Do you remember the moment you first saw your spouse?
I do.
It was at a church activity for young adults. We were eating dinner. I’d made friends with a couple in line (I didn’t know many people there) and they’d suggested I come and sit at their table.
And when we got there, there he was.
Handsom, tan, and kind-of serious. But kind.
I was aware of him all evening. I saw him helping a disabled girl participate in games.
And, I was impressed overall. And (thankfully!) it was mutual.
Of course, the rest is history, as they say!
I’m sure many of you also have wonderful memories of meeting your spouse.
But of course, sometimes we let that happiness and passion slip away.
It’s easier to do than we might think—life gets in the way, we start focusing more on our to-do lists, and we forget to connect like we once did.
However, Anita A. Chlipala, a long-time dating and relationship therapist, shared that the couples who feel most connected aren’t the ones who spend crazy amounts of time together or put a lot of effort into displays of affection.
They’re the ones who maintain a dialogue with each other. And questions promote that.
So, if you’re hoping to reconnect with your hubby, this is the post for you.
Also, I feel like I should put a disclaimer in here: These questions aren’t all perfectly “man-specific.” (Unfortunately there hasn’t been a ton of research on good questions for guys specifically).
But many of these questions are pulled from or supported by research about creating intimacy in conversation (which is ultimately what you want when you hope to “get him talking,” right?)
So, you should be able to find something that will work for you and your marriage.
Let’s go!
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
This is a totally random (but interesting) inquiry. However, I’d say that it’s sure to lead to a good conversation.
And, it actually came from a famous set of studies by Arthur Aron about closeness created by asking questions.
The studies included two sets of questions: one designed for making small talk and one designed for creating escalating closeness.
The small talk questions focused on the experiences or possessions of individuals. They included things like “What is your favorite ______?” or “Have you ever done ____?” or “Where did you _____?”
The set designed for closeness, on the other hand, focused on unearthing the beliefs, feelings, and ideas of the other individual.
I’ve tried to reflect that pattern here.
What do you want to be remembered for?
This is a simple question, but it’s a great way to reflect on who you and your spouse want to be.
One important thing to note, though, is that the way your respond to your husband will impact how he discloses things to you.
In fact, long-standing research shows that intimacy comes in part from how partners perceive other’s responses to them.
It’s important that your reactions help your husband feel understood, cared about, and accepted.
Don’t let any of these questions turn into “I wish you did this” or “Why aren’t you like that?” because it will just shut him down.
When did you feel closest to me recently?
This question does two important things:
- 1. It reminds you of good memory.
- 2. It refines your understanding of his specific love language.
And, of course, better understanding his love language enables you to better show your love for him.
Also, this is a side note, but I didn’t really know where else to put it, so it’s going here.
If your husband is the type to struggle with saying how he feels about things, he may suffer from something called alexithymia.
Alexithymia is when you lack the words to describe your emotions (often due to emotional suppression in your childhood), and it’s more common in men than women.
If this sounds like your husband, you can read more about alexithymia here.
Just know that one of the best ways you can help someone with alexithymia is to be patient while they find the words for what they want to say.
And, if they can’t find the words after some time, you can gently offer some options to help them better define their feelings.
How do you seek out God when life is hard?
If you’re not religious, feel free to skip this one.
But if you are (or if you want to be), this is a great question to ask your spouse.
You may already know some of the ways they seek out God, but you likely don’t know them all.
And, understanding what they do individually can help you better turn to God as a couple during trials.
Plus, their response might just give you ideas about how to get closer to God too!
What’s one problem you wish you knew how to solve, but you don’t?
This is an awesome question because it appeals to men’s natural desire to problem solve.
However, it also forces them to move past that desire and share their real feelings.
Be sure and listen without providing solutions (at least for a while).
Validation needs to come first. And that means just listening and showing compassion.
After all, this question is for helping them share their feelings (and if you go into problem-solving mode, you’ll miss out on the intimacy of it).
You can problem solve down the road if it feels appropriate.
What’s the best gift you’ve ever been given? Why?
This is a fun one. You’ll likely hear about your husband’s excitement (which is sweet), and it’ll also remind you of the things he values.
And, in reminiscing about an old gift, he may just give you a good idea for a new one!
What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that you haven’t mentioned?
This one helps your husband share the thoughts present in his heart.
I like the “third-person” form of asking because it gives him more space to examine his feelings and choose what to share. It’s a gentle invitation.
Remember, though, that this question is for promoting conversation, not addressing any issues. If you’re worried about something specific, you need to bring that up in a loving way.
See this great article from the Gottman Institute for suggestions on how to do that.
How do you know someone cares about you?
This is another great one for learning about your husband’s love language. (Crazy how commonplace that term is; I wonder how common it would be without this book.)
From his response you can learn how to show him more love, and that will build your relationship even more.
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
This might be a slightly eerie or macabre question, but the answer is something you may not know about your spouse.
Obviously use it tastefully.
But perhaps if it’s needed, this can be a gateway to discussing your plans for if either of you were to pass unexpectedly.
(Though, know that I do NOT wish that on anyone; I’ve witnessed firsthand how sad it is when good plans aren’t in place and things are left a mess. Better to plan just in case than to not.)
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
Maybe you know the answer to this, and maybe not. You might be surprised!
But whether you’re shocked or not, you may get some good ideas for your next day out together.
Which fictional world would you want to live in?
This is a lighthearted question that’s great for when you want to avoid more serious topics (but you still want to promote closeness).
And, if he answers quickly and you want to dig deeper, you can always follow up with questions about why he would choose that world.
That opens up the opportunity to share more feelings.
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
I know this is a hard question to answer, especially if one or both of you have any health challenges.
I hope neither of you do.
However, it is helpful to remember that life is short and that we should use our time here wisely.
So, if it feels natural, let this question lead to discussion about what you want from the rest of your lives. Who do you want to become? What are some goals you could set to match that?
What would a perfect day in retirement look like to you?
This is a great question to ask if you’re nearing retirement age.
(Or even if your not—it never hurts to plan ahead).
Find out what your husband looks forward to for his golden years!
And remember, now isn’t a time to critique. It’s a time to listen and have fun dreaming together.
What was the best part of your day, and what was the most annoying?
This question is great because you get an overview of your husband’s day through his eyes.
It lets you know what difficulties he might be working through right now (and that enables you to display more empathy).
Also, if you play it off right, this question actually uses a tried-and-true method for bonding: sharing a common enemy.
It sounds strange, but research shows that people bond more over mutual dislikes than likes!
So, I’m not saying y’all should talk badly about Dave at work. But you can bond over the common enemies of malfunctioning tech and traffic jams.
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
You may already know the answer to this. But, if you don’t, now is the time to ask it! Especially if you have kids or will in the near future.
It’s better to know what you want to do differently with your kids now rather than later.
And if you don’t have kids, it’s still a great question for gaining greater insight into your man.
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
This is another more serious one, and you probably won’t want to ask it without breaking the ice (unless your husband wants to just dive on in).
But it’s a great way to understand your husband’s heart.
And, it may be an invitation for him to mend bridges with someone.
What’s a part of your life where faith in God is easy, and what’s a part of your life where it’s hard?
Again, this is a question that you can feel free to skip if you’re not religious.
But, I love the thought that this question provokes. It provides an opportunity for you to both reflect on your beliefs and (hopefully) be strengthened by each other’s testimonies.
And, as he reflects on where his faith is weak, you may learn what you can do to better support him in his journey. (And vice-versa if you share too.)
What’s a fear you’ve never said out loud?
I love this one because it’s not just the generic “What’s your worst fear?”
It asks for a fear he’s never said, which means he has to bring out something new to share with you.
At the very least, the conversation should be interesting!
What are three goals you want to accomplish this year?
This is a simple question, but it will probably take some time to answer. And as he shares, you’ll gain insight into who he’s becoming as a person.
That may also give you the opportunity to discuss your goals as a couple.
And remember: even if you have different opinions about things, you can still agree to disagree and validate each other’s points of view.
As a matter of fact, the happiest of couples typically disagree on about 69% of issues. But they’re secret to lasting through those disagreements is their respect and acceptance of each other (regardless of varying worldviews).
(This article from the Gottman Institute provides AWESOME advice on how to better “agree to disagree.” I linked to it above, but I just had to link to it again.)
What is your most treasured memory?
I like this question because it promotes intimacy without triggering any difficult topics.
And, it’s helpful for conversation because it focuses on something tangible (the memory), but it simultaneously promotes the sharing of emotion.
What is your worst memory?
Obviously, you need to use this one carefully.
But even though it’s sad, it can also open the door to understanding what makes your husband tick.
Lots of us are shaped by our worst experiences—and knowing your husband’s can help you have greater compassion and understanding for the struggles he faces.
It also gets you one step closer to knowing how to help if he needs it.
What do you like the most about [insert hobby]?
All humans love to talk about our hobbies. Husbands are no exception.
This is a great, low-key way to converse with your husband.
Plus, I think any husband is excited when their wife shows an interest in stuff they’re interested in.
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
This is a question that requires reflection.
I think if I answered it, I wouldn’t want to know how things play out in my own life. I’d just want stuff to go how it’s going to go.
But, it’d be interesting to see what our husbands have to say about it.
What might their answers teach us about them?
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
This is a question that will (hopefully) promote legitimate conversation, and perhaps even some laughs (but not about the things that are too solemn to joke about).
If things lag, you can always follow up with “Why?”
Questions could actually be the real way to your man’s heart
Okay, maybe questions aren’t the only way to your man’s heart. Food is still pretty great, and so are other things.
But, as long as you respond with love and acceptance, I don’t think you can go wrong with asking stuff to get your husband talking.
So, I wish you the best! Happy chatting.
(And please feel free to share your favorite questions to get your husband talking in the comments).
