I think being a grandma is probably a blessing and a curse.
Mostly a blessing.
But also a curse . . .
. . . Because I can only imagine that it’s hard watching your daughter do whatever she does all the time.
You’ve done it all before! You know what worked when you were a mom.
And you know what didn’t work.
But you can only say so much to your daughter, because this is her run.
And she has to learn her lessons now.
(Just like you have to learn your lessons about supporting—and not suffocating—her.)
So . . . here’s a roadmap 🙂
I hope it gives you some great insights into how to achieve balance in your relationship with your daughter.
Because there aren’t many things that matter more, and you want to get this as right as you can.
Ask before you give advice
We’re just going to jump right.
Basically, if someone brings up a problem in a conversation, they are usually looking for one of two things:
- Help solving the problem
- Someone to empathize with them about the problem
Far too often, we assume that someone wants one or their other.
But instead of assuming, just ask.
When your daughter tells you that her two-year-old pooped on the ground again after ripping his diaper off in 5 seconds flat, ask her if she wants ideas to help, or just someone to listen to her.
If she just wants someone to listen to her, do that!
(I know . . . it’s hard to bite your tongue. But it’s important to respect her wishes too.)
If she says she wants ideas, though, you’ve been given permission to offer help!
Just be sure not to overwhelm her with ideas, and don’t be hurt if she doesn’t take your suggestions to heart.
This is her ballgame now, and you’re here to cheer for her.
Let her help you
This might sound counter-intuitive on the surface, but it makes sense once you think about it.
Years ago, an article published in Healthcare Women International discussed how healthy mother-daughter relationships include an active exchange of information and support that flows both ways.
The research focused on adolescents, but I would presume that it’s even more true of young mother’s.
In order for you to have a healthy relationship with your adult daughter, you need to be supporting each other.
I’m not saying you should expect her to fold your laundry. (We both know she doesn’t even have time to fold her own.)
But you can give her lots of chances to contribute via ideas or opinions.
Ask her for fashion advice. Ask her what she would do about the drama at the gym. Give her a chance to problem-solve and feel that she is helpful.
As a mom to young children, I can attest that it is sooooo nice when someone asks for my support in this way. It reminds me that I’m still a person who can make contributions to the lives of other adults.
That can get lost a little as a mom; which is okay. But opportunities to still contribute as an adult are also nice 🙂
Practice actively listening and looping
Have you ever heard of the term looping?
I hadn’t—at least not until I researched this article. However, the concept is a classic and helpful one that I was taught as a child.
Basically, looping means listening well to what someone says, and repeating (or looping) what they said back to them. Doing this does two important things:
- It ensures you really do understand what they said.
- It helps them know that you listened and care about what they said.
When you actively listen and loop back to your daughter, it lets her know that you care. And, it also helps keep you both on the same page.
(The next point helps a lot with that too.)
Choose curiosity over conflict
I believe that everyone has a reason for what they do.
And in supporting your daughter, you need to understand her reasons for doing things.
Ask questions about why she thinks the way she does. Seek to fully understand her points of view, and don’t tear her down for her opinions.
(Check out this article from the Builder’s Movement for some examples of great questions. Their site is about mitigating political conflict, but I think it works for family conflict as well.)
I find that choosing curiosity over contention in my relationships allows us to find common ground (sometimes more than I thought existed).
And when you’ve found common ground with your daughter, you feel closer (and she feels supported.)
Celebrate her wins
I honestly love this point, because wins in mom-life are sometimes ridiculous.
Something like getting your two-year-old to finally take a bite of lettuce can feel like the triumph of the century.
(True story, unfortunately. I wish my 2-year-old would eat more greens, lol.)
But when I bring stuff like this up with others, most people just stare blankly at me.
(I guess they don’t see what’s so amazing about my son nibbling a leaf?)
However, when someone does recognize the significance of my son’s green-eggs-and-ham moments, I feel so thankful and so seen!
My mother-in-law is really good at this, and I know my stories also help her feel closer to the grandkids.
It’s a win for everyone all around!
Respect her partner and their unique family culture
This is a tricky one.
When your daughter marries, she and her partner will inevitably have different ideas about how to do things.
They will need to come together, communicate, and choose what family traditions to include or exclude in their marriage.
This is part of what the bible says multiple times about “a man [leaving] his father and his mother, and . . . [cleaving] unto his wife.”
(If you’re not religious, here is a Sagepub paper discussing the struggles of cross-cultural marriage and how a third culture combining the partner’s backgrounds is needed. So, science backs this up. We may not all be married to someone from a different culture, but we all come from slightly different backgrounds.)
What this all means for you as the mom, though, is that you need to respect your daughter’s husband and their family dynamic.
It’s supposed to be different from how you did it. That’s part of them creating a healthy marriage.
And, that leads us right into our next point.
Support the boundaries she sets
When your daughter tells you about a boundary, it’s a sign that it’s important to her and her husband.
And that means you need to respect it.
She is likely just trying to do her best (especially when it comes to this whole parenting thing).
So, even if you disagree (see my next point), support the boundaries and rules she sets.
(I should note that if you’re concerned about potential abuse, however, that’s a different matter. See this article for some helpful information.
Check what you say: is it for her or you?
This is a helpful self-check for conversing with anyone.
Before you say something, think: Am I saying this to sooth my ego? Or am I saying this to help or show care for them?
For example, your ego might want to say something like “When my kids were small, it was really easy to get them in bed.”
But if you slow down and think about what would help your daughter (instead of just what you want to blurt out), you might say “Getting kids in bed can be challenging. What are your ideas for making it easier?”
It takes unfiltered self-honesty and reflection to pick your words wisely, but in the long run, it’ll lead to more productive conversations.
Your daughter will be grateful.
Allow her to solve her own problems
This goes hand-in-hand with the point about troubleshooting up above.
When your daughter says she doesn’t want help . . . it’s time to step back and let her do her thing.
She HAS to fail to learn lessons—and she will never do that if you don’t allow her to solve her own problems.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but it’s true.
Sometimes the best parent is the parent is the one who doesn’t step forward to put a bandaid on it.
Repair quickly
A lot of the points on here are proactive things to do to support your daughter.
And though this is different, it’s still important. (And, in a sense, still also proactive.)
The long and short of it is this: When hurt happens, don’t let it fester. Mend things quickly.
Because it’s so much better when you do.
(Plus, if you hold off on making repairs, it’s usually just your pride that’s in the way. Which is a dumb reason to ruin a relationship.)
I once got stuck in a loop of non-forgiveness. There had been some bigger conflict in my family, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It sucked the energy from my daily life.
On the grand scale of things, those mistakes and words weren’t the absolute end of the world.
But the festering? That did 100 times more damage than the mistakes themselves did.
So. If you want to be proactive in helping your daughter . . . don’t let mistakes or breeches sit.
Make repairs. Say sorry. Acknowledge your faults. Move on.
It’s worth it to be a little humble so that you can work past things and build something better.
When you give advice, offer options, not ultimatums
Let me preface this by saying that if you haven’t asked a TON of questions about what your daughter’s doing, you shouldn’t give her advice.
Seek to understand, then be understood (as the saying goes).
Don’t give advice if you don’t know what’s going on.
But when you do give advice, offer it as an option (unless it’s a dire situation, like with abuse).
For example, if your daughter mentions that Tommy struggles with vowels when you ask about reading, you could say “Have you found any other programs to help him?”
(And, I know not every parent teaches reading at home, and that’s okay. The principle’s still the same, though.)
If she says no, you could ask one or two more questions to understand where she’s at. If she really doesn’t know what to do, you could then offer an option and say “You know, Cody struggled with that too. We found the ABC program to be really helpful. I know it might not be your thing, but if you’re interested, I could show it to you.”
You empathize and make a suggestion, but you leave it open for her.
This fosters trust and makes her more likely to confide in you down the road. She knows that you’ll try to “get” her first and not pressure her into anything.
Help like Jesus would (and don’t make it a big deal!)
Have you ever had someone come into your home and offer to help?
You probably said something like “No worries, I’ve got it!” So they didn’t actually do anything.
And as a society, we tend to see offers of assistance as a courtesy to decline.
But what if we just helped (without overstepping) instead?
I feel like this is how Jesus served. He didn’t make it a big deal; He just did it.
Obviously, use your judgement so you don’t overstep in what you do.
But coming in and starting on the dishes, picking up toys, folding laundry, or sweeping?
Well, it might feel awkward at first, but your daughter will likely really appreciate it over time.
Just remember that there are still bounds here. Coming in and organizing your daughter’s closet without asking probably isn’t the way to go. Sticking with more generic tasks is probably best.
Don’t take things personally
Your daughter probably has a lot on her plate.
So, dumb stuff is likely to happen.
But here’s a secret (that’s not a secret—just a ridiculously overlooked rule that would solve so many problems if applied):
Don’t take things personally.
Let stuff go.
If you think it could have been an accident, assume it was.
If you think it might have been a weak moment for your daughter, it probably was.
Just have compassion and assume the best.
As a mom myself, I can attest that she’ll be grateful . . . because sometimes life really is a rollercoaster of hormones, stress, and too many cheerios.
Watch the kids.
This had to be on here.
It’s obvious, but your daughter probably won’t ever get tired of it.
As a mom of three whose husband has had to be away for work a lot, I can tell you that just having someone to hold the baby so I can shower is magical.
Other optimal times for kid-watching include the following:
- When she needs a nap
- When she needs to get groceries
- When she wants to exercise
- When she has a lot of cleaning to do
- When she just needs a few minutes to herself
And lots, lots more.
Obviously, you can’t watch the kids all the time. But giving her opportunities to do little things like those up above is a huge gift.
Maybe pick a time once or twice a week when the kids hang out with grandma so that mom can do one of those things.
Finally, never stop valuing her
I’ve talked about a lot of things, but I haven’t really touched on value.
When you value someone, you respect and love them as a whole human being.
This includes their darkest or silliest parts.
You may express concerns or disagree with that person—and that is healthy—but you ultimately aren’t going to change how you value them, no matter what they decide to do or believe in their life.
(That’s different from validation, which has slipped at times into the realm of “If you don’t agree with me, you shouldn’t be in my life.”)
But what you can—and should—do for your daughter is value her.
Value her experience. Value her perspectives, and let her know that even when you disagree, you’re never going to stop loving her.
And, I can’t make promises for people I don’t know, but I believe that someday your daughter will be so grateful to you for this.
(See this article for more help with this—it’s an excellent read.)
Don’t give up on yourself or your daughter
Well, we made it through. I can tell you want to be a good mom and grandma. (You wouldn’t be here otherwise.)
And, on behalf of your daughter, I thank you for taking the time to think about how to improve.
Also, though, as the author, I want to remind you to be kind and patient with yourself too.
We’re all here on earth to learn (at least I think we are), and it’s best to be kind to ourselves as we do it.
So, go out there and go get-em. And, enjoy those relationships that are so precious.
I hope you love every minute of it.
